“The culture of positivity, [ as Dr. Stephen L Salter defines], is the widespread social practice of eliminating any attitude and utterance that doesn’t have an uplifting effect on one’s mood and those around them.”
Positivity Culture doesn’t sound bad, and I really believe it’s intention is to help. We want other people to feel happy, and that’s awesome. However, positivity culture can make people feel like crap. So when does positivity become toxic?
When Positivity Becomes Empty Promises, It’s Toxic.
I found this meme on Instagram using #PositiveVibesOnly. Again, the intent here is to inspire and motivate. Breaking down this meme line by line explains what’s wrong with this kind of positivity. “When you’re thankful for what you have, you are always rewarded with more.” You are not always rewarded for being thankful. Sometimes you get nothing for being thankful, except for feeling thanks. Sometimes people throw your gratitude back in your face.
This statement an overreaching generalization that promises lies. If life worked like this, there wouldn’t be as many poor people. I would never say this to someone struggling with money because it’s sort of insinuating they are not grateful since they aren’t getting “more.” Saying “things will get better” is another promise no one can keep. This is something I have become very aware of because I don’t want to promise people something I have no control over. I like to say to people that things “can” get better. I believe in that possibility for people, and that’s all I can promise. Also, I usually follow up with a bunch of things a person can try to make their situation better. It’s not just to help explain how things could get better, but to also help show that their situation isn’t helpless. They still have choices, and their futures are up to them. It’s not up to me. It’s not up to positive generalizations.
When Positivity Becomes Avoidance, It’s Toxic.
Positivity is toxic when it teaches us to not let anything in that doesn’t feel good. Getting bad grades, being behind in rent, drug addiction, etc. are all negative things that don’t just go away if we don’t focus on them. Positivity should not be running away from problems. When positivity becomes avoidance, we miss those opportunities to better ourselves. We miss those opportunities to take responsibility of our lives, and like I said, those negative situations won’t just disappear. Positivity should not make you passive in your life.
Your life is yours, good and bad. It’s okay to have bad days. It’s okay to struggle. How we deal with problems and negative feelings make us who we are, and it could make us very strong.
When Positivity Demeans People’s Pain, It’s Toxic.
I once tweeted out about mental illness being tough to live with. I wrote, “The struggle is real…like real real.” I got a response back that said, “Every struggle is temporary…It comes fast and leaves fast…” I brushed it off because I knew it was just some person trying to advertise their business, but it was an awful thing to say. The first thing I thought was, “Tell that to my PTSD.” When people are living with mental illness, when people are going through hard times, or when people have lost someone, they can’t be expected to be positive. There are reasons to feel negatively, and it’s unfair to tell people to shut off their pain. With positivity culture, we create an impossible expectation for people to be positive all the time. If you can’t just have positive vibes, there is something wrong with you. You are a negative person. I don’t need your toxicity in my life. Toxic positive culture shames, demeans and villianizes people who are suffering.
So Should I Give Up Positivity?
No. Just be aware of when positivity can become toxic, and know that just because someone isn’t #positivevibes all the time, it doesn’t mean they are toxic. Your best friend trying to warning you about your new boyfriend’s overly flirty behavior is not being toxic. Your sister complaining for a whole week about her cramps that keep her from getting out of bed is not toxic. Your mom asking you if you are going to be financially okay with taking a winter vacation to the Bahamas because she knows you are behind in rent is not toxic. Your roommate shutting himself in his room when you have guests over because he has social anxiety is not toxic. There is a difference between people trying to bring you down and people who care for you or are just in pain. Make sure that your practice of positivity isn’t making you judgmental or detached from reality.
If you want to help others with positivity, be compassionate. Be hopeful for them without telling them how to feel. You can validate a persons feelings without being negative.
“That situation is tough. Do you want to do something to take your mind off of it?”
“It sounds like an awful time. I am hear to listen if you want to talk about it more.”
“That sucks.” *Big hug*
“I believe you can get through this. I am here for you!”
“I know you are struggling. I am so proud of you and how hard you work.”
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Thank you for reading this post! What do you think of toxic positivity? Let me know in the comments, and remember to subscribe for reading about mental health.
