I’m not going to lie. I have done this so many times! Since I haven’t been in many relationships, this describes most them. I’m telling you this because I want you to know I understand. When you grow up believing that one of the most important things you are supposed to do in life is to find “the one” and marry, things get scary. When you aren’t with someone, you feel like you are missing out, or you feel behind. You might feel like a loser, which isn’t actually true, but we feel it nonetheless. When those fears are raised by the power of depression, can you imagine the amount of misery you end up with? It’s exponential! Math jokes…
In all seriousness, I remember what it was like to think that being with anyone was way better than being alone. I remember being so afraid of no one would ever loving me that I went with whatever opportunity occurred. These “opportunities” did not go well for me. Some were not as painful as others, but I always ended up alone and more depressed.
And with that in mind my ladies and gentlemen, here are the reasons why having a significant other will not cure your depression.
1. You avoid learning to love yourself because you are busy loving someone else.
Oh my gosh! I’m not alone anymore! Everything is going to be okay! I can be happy now! That was my thinking, and I honestly believed it. I just wanted someone to love me. I wanted someone else to take the pain and sadness away. I wanted to be in love and be happy. Then, I fell in love. I was happy for a while, but that didn’t last.
Having someone special in your life who’s supportive and loving is wonderful. I had this boyfriend once who was practically my best friend. We’ll name him Eugene. We shared a lot of interests. He always held me when I needed to cry. I loved him very much. He was a good person. I wanted him to be happy, and so I spent most of my time with him. We would watch a lot of TV, hang out with his friends, eat, and even do homework together. At night, we’d talk on the phone and I’d cry. I’d tell him about all the things that made me sad. He always made me feel better about everything. Eugene was my comfort, and that’s an amazing thing he did for me. Unfortunately, I never learned to do it myself.
The crying never stopped when I was in that relationship. I never tried to fix anything. I never really looked at what was going on with me, and I looked at someone else to take the pain away.
2. Your depression has nothing to do with your SO.
Like I said, I never looked at what was going on with me. I was depressed because I felt lonely before, but that wasn’t the only reason. That’s the mistake I made. Loneliness was only part of the answer, and the loneliness I felt was merely a part of me hating myself. I didn’t want to be alone with myself.
The problems were “me” issues, and how could I expect my boyfriend to fix all that? He couldn’t be with me 24/7. People can suffer from depression because their significant others abuse and manipulate them. That wasn’t me though-at least not with Eugene. I went through trauma that had nothing to do with that him. Having him in my life didn’t erase the trauma. It didn’t change the self-destructive thought patterns in my head that I’d been building for years. Being loved and having mental health issues are two different things, but they aren’t opposites. One does not make the other untrue. Someone can love you, and you can have bad mental health.
3. You’re SO may end up being really bad for you.
I once had this boyfriend that we will call Curtis. Curtis did not take my mental health struggles well. Unfortunately for me, his responses were mentally abusive. They were angry and not understanding. Instead of leaving, I just tried to hide it. I tried to “be better” and I complained less. I’m pretty sure suppressing my depression created my anxiety ticks. I didn’t have any physical ticks until then.
I didn’t get better as time went along. I just got quieter. I didn’t want to be alone. My fear took over and I stayed in that abusive relationship for years. It finally ended when he broke up with me.
4. You’re so scared of losing your SO you will hide your depression and try to push it down farther.
It’s a little easier to see why you would hide your depression if someone was abusing you when you showed it. Do you know what’s scarier than losing a bad boyfriend because of your depression? It’s losing a good one. When you are depressed and meet someone who is always kind, gentle and caring towards you, it’s like finding a unicorn. You found this mythical thing that you refuse to ever lose. How do we keep the unicorn? We pretend to be one too!
There’s nothing wrong with me! Neigh! I’m also a unicorn! Neigh! I’m a happy person! Neigh! I have a perfect family! Neigh! I don’t even know what the word trauma means! Neiggggghhhhh!
We are so afraid that our imperfections will send the unicorn running, we stuff them deep down! What’s interesting is I never thought badly of any of my exes revealing their “truths” to me. When they would tell me about their hardships, I felt sympathetic. I was so sad someone I cared for had to suffer and struggle. I always loved them more after they shared something tough and personal with me. My depression never let me think I was allowed that reaction. My darkness was too dark to be shared. It was fine though, right? I didn’t need to share. I was with a unicorn, and that unicorn would magically fill my darkness with light. That’s how life works.
5. Your relationship may not last forever.
Everyone wants to believe that their relationship is “the real deal,” but romanticizing reality is not helpful, especially for those who have a mental illness. There are many reasons that relationships end, and they don’t all have to do with falling out of love. No one wants to think about it, but people die. It’s awful, but they do and that has nothing to do with love.
So what happens when you find yourself alone?
If a death occurs, you will mourn and rightfully so. If someone breaks up with you, mourning is still a possible answer, and mourning a loss of any kind is normal. It’s when we obsess with trying to understand why someone left us that we start being unhealthy. People will blame themselves for being left, especially those will depression. Depression makes it easy to tear yourself apart with blame, even if it’s not your fault.
It’s not healthy, and once you go through a string of breakups, those breakups become evidence that you are unlovable. It becomes evidence that there is something fundamentally wrong with you. That isn’t true. I will ask this question though: Is it possible you are doing something to help cause this pattern of being abandoned? I’m not saying you want people to leave you. I’m not saying you are a masochist. I’m saying I had a part to play in my string of failed relationships. I kept picking the wrong people to be with because I didn’t think I deserved the best. My relationships were affected my depression because I was, no matter how hard I denied it. I had low standards because of my depression. I kept a wall up to some of my exes to hide my depression. I was feeding my depression because I didn’t deal with it. I kept looking outward for happiness, and I attached my happiness onto something possibly finite and out of my control: someone else’s love for me.
To sum it up: You need to be in control of your own mental health because YOU are.
You are the one who is always going to be there. You are the one struggling in your mind whether you show it or not. You know yourself more than anyone else can possibly know you. Someone loving you is not a cure for depression. It’s just a part of life that can help motivate you to get better.
My point of this post is not to discourage you from finding a companion, but to point out that you can’t put that much responsibility on a relationship or another person. Do not enter a relationship looking to be fixed. You are responsible for your happiness, no one else. No one else can control your mental health. People can support and help you. Others can give you resources to help better yourself, but it’s up to you. Don’t give away that responsibility – that power you have. Remember, you have made it this long. That is not luck or an accident.
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