All parents want to protect their children from the world. We don’t want children to worry about “grown up” things like money or mommy and daddy fighting. There are difficult things we face that we don’t explain to our children because “they’ll understand when they’re older.” Okay, but where does that leave our children in the meantime? A child might go and play after that answer is given to them, but does that really mean they’ll forget all about it?
Innocent Doesn’t Mean Blind
Kids are more observant than we realize. Even if you don’t verbally tell your child that you are worrying, they may still know.. Here are several of possibilities to consider:
1. You’re being weird.
When we stress out about something, it affects our behavior. We might pace back and forth and get fidgety, not being able to sit down for meals. We might get really quiet and tense and then snap at whoever disrupts our thought processes, even if it’s our children. We might start zoning out a lot, lost in our thoughts, and miss when our children call our names or tell us stories. Our behavior shifts may be huge or subtle, but children can pick up these things either way. They might not understand what you are going through, but they will tell you that “you’re being weird.” Your off behavior can make your child feel very uneasy, unsure and unsafe.
2. Your kids know that you cry at night.
We cry behind closed doors at night because we don’t want our children to see and feel the pain that we are in. Seeing us cry won’t make our children feel safe. Maybe that’s true, but how do you know that your kid hasn’t already seen it? How do you know they haven’t heard you? Even if they don’t tell you, it doesn’t mean they don’t know. Children protect their parents, too. They’ll protect you from their worrying, too. Children will understand you’re trying to keep crying a secret. They will keep that secret for you.
So what should you do then? Hide your crying better? No. I don’t think that’s the best answer. Instead, you should consider letting your children see you cry. Beth Proudfoot, a marriage and family therapist and parent said that children often make the wrong conclusion when they witness their parent crying, so take the time to help them understand. “This will be a relief to them, because they will always assume that your strong feelings are somehow about them…” Another reason to let you children see you cry is to show them that emotions are part of life. We don’t need to suppress them.
Mental illness is on the rise for kids. Teen suicide is also increasing at an alarming rate. Teaching children how to deal and talk about their emotions is a way to fight this. You want them them to feel comfortable coming to you when they’re crying, right? Unless children get education about how to cope with emotion outside of their parents, the behaviors of their parents is all they’ll have. Let’s talk about what we can say to our kids when we cry.
Tell them why you are upset and assure them that it’s not their fault. Children want to understand, and though they might not understand everything, you can share enough to show them it’s not their faults.
Tell them crying is okay. Crying is a way to communicate your emotions, and it doesn’t always communicate sad emotions. We cry out of relief and joy. Crying doesn’t have to be scary or bad. Tell your children that even if you are crying right now, it doesn’t mean you cannot keep them safe. You’re just feeling something very big, and it’s okay for them to cry when they are having big emotions inside.
You don’t need to tell them everything. If someone passes away from a stroke, you do not need to tell your child every detail. If your child wants to know what a stroke is, tell them that it’s something that stopped the body from working, but it doesn’t happen often or to everybody. Assure them it’s okay to be sad, but they are still safe. If you are crying because you had a fight with the other parent, you don’t need to tell them everything about the fight. Assure them that they are loved, and tell them that mom and dad are trying to figure some things between yourselves. You don’t need to tell them all the things you and your partner said to each other while you were upset. You don’t need to vent to your child about their other parent. Please don’t.
Let them off the hook. Talking to your child here isn’t about making you feel better. Don’t expect your child to comfort you. They might not even know how to, so tell them you just need some time and you’ll feel better. You can tell them they don’t need to do anything, and you are glad you guys talked. If they keep asking what they can do, you can tell them it’s helpful if they can keep focusing on their school work, chores and hobbies. They will have something they can control, and it will be truthfully helpful.
Let’s move onto the last consideration you should take when choosing how much to hide from our children.
3. Your children get information about you and the world outside of the home.
If you don’t tell your what’s going on, they’re going to try to figure it out on their own…or someone will straight up drop some truth on them. Say you are an undocumented worker who worries about the strict immigration laws enforced by your country. You might tell your kids not to worry because it’s an adult thing, but kids learn about current events at school. Other kids also hear things at home and will tell each other. Note that the things kids share with one another don’t just end with current events. Children gossip about what they hear about from whoever and wherever. I’m not trying to make you paranoid. I’m just trying to remind you of how life is.
Then there is the internet. You can’t censor the electronics of other households or people’s phones. You can censor whatever you want at home, and schools do their best too. It’s not perfect. New websites pop up every day and search algorithms aren’t perfect either. Also, how many of us actually know how to and take the time to censor everything we don’t want our child to hear about on the internet? Not many of us do, but is it even the right solution, especially given how difficult it would be.
Knowledge is Power
We should protect our children. Yes, but is hiding our worries and stresses the best way to do so? No because just because you want to shield your child from what it going on, it doesn’t mean that you actually are. You are not failing your child by being a human and having problems or emotions. You are not a bad parent because your child sees you cry, but we aren’t helping our children when we pretend nothing is wrong. We aren’t helping them when we say we’re not crying and that it’s “just allergies.” They know it’s not just allergies.
Instead, let’s protect our children by giving them the truth. Let’s teach them it’s okay to have emotions and talk about their worries. Let’s tell our little girls and boys crying about something sad or scary doesn’t make them weak. We want to create a family environment where our children feel like they can talk to us and feel validated when they do. Also, we want to prepare our children for the truth instead of being caught off guard when they hear gossip from elsewhere. Would you rather have little Becky tell your children about your upcoming divorce, or would you rather tell them yourself and be able to assure your kids that it’s not their fault?
We can’t control their internet use a hundred percent of the time, but, again, we can create an environment where our children feel like they can talk to us about difficult things they might see, learn and experience. We can only help our children digest what they’re finding out and going through about if they tell us.
According to the Child Mind Institute, children who have stronger connections with their families are less likely to self harm: “ Partly, that’s because they feel loved and supported, and partly because they have people to turn to when they’re struggling and feel really challenged.” Those strong connections are built by communication from both ways. You cannot hide your worries and emotions from your children, and expect them to share their own with you. That’s not automatic just because they are your children.
We Remember
When we get older, life does get more complex. We become adults and better understand the responsibilities and difficulties our parents went through, but that doesn’t make the feelings we had as children any less real. Can’t you recall people yelling behind closed doors, being alone, fearing the bad thing was your fault, and then not being able to voice any of that? I do. Understanding things when we are older doesn’t take away the fear we lived in our youth. It doesn’t take away the impact the fear had on our lives.
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