Many women think that having a thick juicy butt is the most attractive thing ever because of Kim Kardashian. Many men think that flashy clothes and flashy cars make you “the” man. These ways of thinking are not just emphasized and showcased by the social media and Hollywood. They are values that we as “everyday people” buy into and perpetuate.
Let me say that there is not necessarily anything wrong with valuing a full derriere or having a nice car. The problem arises when people automatically think they have to value those things because that’s what society says to value through media and marketing.
Maybe I should refer to them as one thing. I mean social media marketing is the best example of how media and marketing can be and usually are one thing. This concept of media and marketing isn’t new at all though. Magazines with photos of your favorite singer sponsoring whatever cola has been around for a long time. Also, news channels and newspapers could be marketing in a way; those outlets are owned by companies that have the power to curate what kind of news goes out. That may seem a little conspiracy-like, but you have to acknowledge that their ability to control the news is there. It’s at least a possibility.
What’s scary about that possibility is that many people get their values from what is shown through media and marketing in their society. We take the media’s version of what is beautiful and internalize it. To be real, we take the media’s notion that “beauty is foremost” and internalize that too. Where does that leave us, though?
We’re left feeling bad about ourselves, buying a million products to make us feel just a little bit more beautiful or more like a man. I need to get away from the marketing stuff, though. It’s not the point of this article…but it does make me mad. #truth
What I’m trying to get at is that our values, the ideas and standards we hold as important, are supposed to be our own. The truth is that it’s way too easy for our values to be contoured by outside forces: the media, your religion, or your mom.
It’s expected to hold many of the same values as your family and friends. However, you are not exactly the same person as your mom or your best friend. That’s okay. Your life and your experiences are your own, and so it’s perfectly fine to have your own set of values resulting from them.
The hard part about having your own set of standards and values is that other people may not be okay with it. My mother is very much about “family above all else,” and I am not. I think family is very important, but I do not want to put them above my own happiness or health(financial or otherwise). That can be a point of contention between us, but it’s okay. We don’t have to be the same to love one another. I actually think having different values than your friends, especially at young age can more difficult. Children usually want to fit in, and part of the reason why is because children can be cruel. We all know it. Being teased and bullied sucks. Liking the right music artists and wearing the right clothes can make a big difference for children socially. Darn that media and marketing right. They’re making money off our fears from cradle to grave. Again, I digress.
Anyways, I believe it would be helpful if children thought about their own values outside of what their friends think. Values can translate into interests, and knowing what they are into as an individual may lead to better friends. They might be quicker to find people who understand them. Also, thinking about their values in terms of morals may keep them out of trouble. I like to think that a person is more likely to do what is right if they come to that judgement on their own, rather than from fear of getting punished. Fear is a strong motivator, but fear of reprimand from your parents is something we usually grow out of. That’s another reason we need to figure out our values apart from our parents as well. Parents are not always going to be there.
Let’s get down to the more gritty consequences of not knowing your values for yourself apart from other people and society. You can suffer way more than you should. Let’s take the example of homosexuality. I’ve watched many an episode of RuPaul’s Drag race where a queen tells us about how her family has rejected and disowned them for being gay. A lot of those times, those queens(I’m referring to drag queens, which are men dressed like women) really thought there was something wrong with them and hated themselves for a long time. That’s heartbreaking to me. This is an example of when having different values from your family, and being okay with that is a very important idea. It’s not a common idea is our culture, and it causes a lot of suffering. Maybe a more general example of this is about careers. Parents usually want their child to choose a career that is financial secure. A lot of my millennial friends and I, especially with me being a dancer, have chosen a career path led by our passions. No one means to harm the other, but it can be a huge point of contention in families. It can even be a huge point of contention within friends.
Another value that can cause much tension between friends is having children. Some people are very set with the notion of getting married in their 20s and having kids. There is nothing inherently wrong about wanting that. I also don’t think there is anything inherently wrong about a woman never wanting kids, but oh boy! This can cause rifts in friendships when one side is taking their friend’s opposite stance as a personal attack. You know the people I’m talking about. “Why don’t you 
want kids. Of course you do. You’ll change your mind when your older. I had kids early and I don’t regret them. Why would you regret them?” Honestly, mud can be sling slang slung from both sides. It’s easy to get defensive when someone disagrees with you, but that doesn’t make it the right thing to do. It’s important that we have real peace with our values, and that we don’t shove them on others.
It’s important that we really know and have our own values so we don’t have babies just because we are “supposed to” have them.
I stream a lot about mental health on Twitch. It’s occurred multiple times in my chat that people think they are happier single, but they still feel this outside pressure to be with someone. That’s an awful conflict to have. People I’ve talked to say they are fulfilled with their careers, their hobbies, their unending pursuit of knowledge. Just because you don’t at all understand those feeling and disagree with the single life, it doesn’t mean that you can invalidate them. They’re not an attack on your values or way of life. They’re just other ways someone can be happy in this life. What’s the real point of living to other people’s standards? Is having a “normal” and “expected” life you don’t want worth your happiness?
So after all that, how do we even find our values? Don’t worry. I won’t leave you high and dry. I’m going to give you some questions and exercises that will help you start to figure out your values. Before we get into that, it’s important to note that your values can change with time just as the rest of you will. This is also okay. As long as your values are your own, regardless if they align with other people’s values or not, you’re on the right track.
Exercises!
Number each value from 1-5. 1 being not important and 5 being very important to you. There is no wrong answer. Try to think about what is important to you, not what is important for others or society. If you want to add a few of your own ideas to the mix, go ahead!
Now rate the values from 1-7, 1 being most important to 7 being least important(If you add a couple more items, adjust as necessary) . There is no wrong order. Try to think about what is important to you, not what is important for others or society.
Now here’s a couple of questions to get you thinking more deeply about your values:
What are some traits you admire in other people? Why do you admire those things? Do they have values you would like to have for yourself? Do they prioritize their life in a way you’d like to prioritize yours?
What are some ways your values differ from your family’s? Your friends’? Are you okay with the differences? If not, is it because you are holding on to “shoulds”?
If there are things you could change about yourself, what would they be? Can you change these things by changing your values and how you prioritize them? If not, what is holding you back? Is it fear? If so, is that a good reason?
However you approach knowing choosing your values, I think it’s best to thinking about them ASAP. It’s way better to know your values before you reach a situation where you really need them. That way you aren’t being swayed by your emotional reactions or other people. Deciding whether or not to have sex for the first time is a perfect example for this. Knowing your values and having the confidence to stick to them can be the difference between a good experience and a bad one. It can mean the difference of having a memorable moment or doing something you regret and quickly want to forget.
