Wise Mind is a concept developed in Dialectical Behavior Therapy(DBT). I know what you’re thinking, “Therapy? What? I don’t need therapy! You need therapy!” Well… I think that all people can benefit from therapy, but you don’t need to go to DBT to benefit from its concepts and skills. I have gone through DBT before, and it was super helpful. Therefore, I want to share what I learned with you guys. Hajimemashou(“let’s start” in Japanese. I’m not Japanese.)!
According to Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) there are 3 states of mind: Emotion Mind, Reasonable Mind and Wise Mind.
Today we look at Emotion Mind.
Emotion usually takes a negative connotation, whereas being reasonable is a positive thing. If someone called me emotional, I would assume that it was an insult. Oppositely, I would say thank you to someone who called me reasonable. Blah! I hate that I still have this mindset.
Emotions are not innately bad. I know no one wants to be sad or mad, but there are reasons we have these things, right? YES!
Emotions are good more often than people realize. We just end up using different words than emotional…passionate, determined, driven, compassionate, loving, etc. I would take any of these as a compliment, whereas I said I’d take being called emotional as an insult.
The thing is, our wants, our desires, our feelings and emotions all motivate us to take action! We help others because we care for them. We win contests because we are driven to be the best.
Our emotions not only motivate us, but they validate us. They can be signals and warnings that something is up. It’s like when you have an uneasy feeling about walking down a dark street, and the next day you find out that someone was mugged on that street minutes after you turned back. Emotions can be intuitions. Carried to the extreme, this self-validation can become “my feelings are facts.” Be careful to avoid this.
The other reason we evolved to have emotions is to better communicate to others and ourselves. People usually make faces or have some sort of body language when they are feeling something. Say your boss is sitting with their arms crossed and has a furrowed brow. Your boss is communicating that they are not happy right now.
For ourselves, having an emotional reaction can help tell us how to act in this situation. Your gut tells you this isn’t a good time to tell your boss you made a stupid mistake on something. It’s not that big, so you walk on by and will come back later.
As much as I am a fan of emotions, I do acknowledge how they can lead a person down the wrong path.
Here’s an example from my life because I am the number one expert on it. #truth
Years ago, I got into a fight with my ex because I believed he was cheating on me with his coworker. The fight went basically like this…
Me: I feel like there is something going on between you too. You have private texts between yourselves when we are all out to dinner.
Him: You’re crazy. We are just friends. I love you.
Me: Okay. I believe you. * sucking it up and dying on the inside*
So…I am not proud of how that went. I’m using it as an example because it was total Emotion Mind situation for me. I was so scared of losing him, I was like(in a high and squeaky voice),
“Screw logic! Screw my suspicions! I love him. He loves me (I DON’T WANT TO BE ABANDONED!)”
I lied to myself for a long time about what was happening around me because of fear. I was afraid I couldn’t find anyone better and that no one else would love me. I didn’t listen to evidence that I found or the things people said to me. I didn’t even listen to my other emotions. I shut out all the sadness I felt. I shut out all gut feelings I had about my ex. I instead I told myself I was crazy.
It’s kind of a bummer story, but I think it’s something many people can relate to. I get why people can hate emotions. My example is more on the “extreme” end of why, but that doesn’t mean emotions and Emotion Mind can’t be good. Don’t reject your emotional side. You just have to find the balance with our next concept, Reasonable Mind.
That’s what is coming next. Stay tuned.
